


The Random

by unkindravens



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Humor, Multi, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-27 03:14:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20753414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unkindravens/pseuds/unkindravens
Summary: Stevie and David go on a quest for a three-way with a random. They find him, but also they’re kind of the worst.





	The Random

**Author's Note:**

> I love season one Stevie and David before any personal growth. I’m convinced had they gotten together, they would be Gretchen and Jimmy from _You’re the Worst_.

“This is good, we’re far enough from town that we won’t run into anybody I’ve already had sex with,” Stevie said.

“You sound like me at…” David began as he got out of the cab. He frowned. “Most places I guess.”

They stood in the parking lot of the club and adjusted each other’s leather jackets. “I can’t believe I let you talk me into this,” David muttered.

“_Me_? You’re the one who brought up three-ways,” Stevie said as David fussed with her hair until she swatted his hand away.

“Yeah, and then _ you _ started waxing poetic about how great they are,” David said.

“But I didn’t say we should drive to Thornbridge, get a hotel room, and have one.”

David took her by the shoulders, turned her toward the club, and marched her to the doors. “You _ literally _ said we should go to Thornbridge.”

“You’ve lived here like three months, you don’t know where to go,” Stevie said as showed her license at the door. “Also, you said you wanted to go to, and I quote, ‘a discotheque.’”

David opened his mouth to argue, but she stopped him by yelling, “Shots!”

They ordered two lemon drops with a beer for Stevie and gin and tonic for David. They clinked their shot glasses together.

“To randoms!” Stevie said.

“To randoms!” David repeated.

Stevie leaned against the bar and surveyed the room, packed with a Saturday night crowd.

“What do you think?” she yelled over the music.

David took her hand and dragged her to the dance floor.

“Hang on,” she said, winding their fingers together while she chugged her beer. David looked impressed and she waved at him with the beer bottle. He downed his drink and left their glasses on an empty table.

“Much better,” she said into his ear. “Let’s do this.”

David tried to talk dancing logistics on the long drive from Schitt’s Creek, but Stevie entirely ignored him. They weaved their way to the middle of the dance floor and stared at each other.

Stevie shyly started moving her hips. David may have seen her naked in a ceiling mirror, but that doesn’t mean he won’t be judgey. He started moving too and she smiled.

David leaned down to her ear. “I took a lot of tap as a kid.”

“I wouldn’t open with that,” Stevie yelled back.

David rolled his eyes and gripped her waist, yanking her against him. He ground their hips together. Stevie let go of his hand and slid hers to his shoulder blades. 

He moved them around the dance floor. “Keep your eyes open.”

“What do you think I’m doing?” Stevie tried looking over his shoulder, but wasn’t tall enough. 

David planted his chin on top of Stevie’s head. “Stop it.” She ducked away from him and slapped his arm. “I’m not your goddamn headrest.”

David laughed. “Headrest. Not yet anyway.”

“Gross,” she slapped him harder.

Stevie wedged a leg between David’s so they were full-on _ Dirty Dancing _ dancing. She held his shoulder with one hand and swung her torso back, looking around the room.

“What about that one?” Stevie nodded to a muscular guy, mid-twenties, standing at a high table near the dance floor.

“Okay, yeah, he looks good.” David let go of her and she stumbled backwards. “Tits out,” he said, pushing her breasts together.

“They _ are _ out. Now go.”

Hand-in-hand they sidled up to the man. He looked them both up and down.

Stevie realized she had no idea what to say; she never had to propose a threesome before.

“Can we join you?” David asked. The guy nodded.

“I’m Stevie,” she offered. “This is David.”

He smiled. “I’m Chad.” He held out his hand.

Stevie and David looked at each other, turned, and walked away.

“Chad.” The name sounded sticky coming from David’s mouth.

“Who the fuck is named Chad?” Stevie said. “Jesus.”

They each got another drink and leaned against the bar. David put his arm around Stevie’s shoulders.

“Ew, what are you doing?” She wiggled away from him.

“So people know we’re together,” David said. “And don’t ‘ew’ me.”

Stevie stepped in front of him, leaning back against his chest. David wrapped an arm around her waist, resting it on her stomach.

“Better?” he asked.

She nodded. 

They spent half hour vetoing guys. 

“No one in a hockey shirt.”

“Too tall.”

“That one’s wearing cowboy boots.”

“Absolutely not, he looks like a tiny David.”

“Muttonchops.”

“Birkenstocks.”

“Where is everyone cool?” David shouted in her ear. “They should be lining up, we’re hot.”

“We’re _ so _ hot,” Stevie agreed. “If you weren’t attached to me, I bet I could pull.”

“Fine, let’s split up. Meet here in twenty.”

“Don’t let me down, Rose,” Stevie yelled, walking away without looking back.

Several minutes later, Stevie was talking to a blond guy, maybe forty. He was in banking something, Stevie wasn’t really paying attention. He had nice hands. A woman suddenly appeared and took one of those hands. Fuck.

“You wanna get outta here?” the man asked Stevie. The woman reached out and ran her fingers through Stevie’s hair. _ Fuck_.

She started to tell the couple, flattered, but sorry, when David ran over, took her by the waist, and picked her up.

“Not a unicorn!” David yelled and hustled them away. Stevie laughed and waved at the couple.

David planted her near a booth. “You’re so mean,” Stevie said, still laughing.

David rolled his eyes. “You love it.” He took her hand. “Okay, I may have found a needle in the fuckboy haystack.”

“_Finally_,” Stevie said.

David slid into a booth across from a guy, maybe mid twenties. Dark hair, blue eyes, solid build. Stevie nodded and sat next to David.

“Matthew, this is Stevie,” David said. “Stevie, Matthew.”

They shook hands. “Very nice to meet you, Stevie,” he said to her cleavage.

“Likewise.”

“Matthew says he’s just passing through on his way to Toronto.”

Matthew nodded. “Yeah, I’m going because-”

“Great,” Stevie said. “Weary traveler, blah, blah. I run a motel, I’m familiar.” She looked between the two. “Are we good to go here?”

David stared at her. “What?” Stevie said. “I trust your vetting process.”

“You okay with this?” David asked Matthew, who was still staring across the table at Stevie.

“Very okay.”

“All right, let’s go I guess,” David said, nudging Stevie out of the booth.

Matthew stood. He was tall and _ fit_. 

David kicked her leg. “Can you move?” 

“Sorry, forgot you were here,” Stevie said, exiting the booth.

“Good, this is a good start to this,” David muttered.

“Hush and call a Lyft,” Stevie said. She took one of Matthew’s hands, David grabbed the other, and walked out of the club.

Matthew sat between them on the ride to the hotel. Stevie and David each had one hand on his thighs while texting with the other.

Stevie: what exactly is yr vetting process

David: he looks like he’s a clean person

Stevie: not being visibly dirty is a high bar

David: I asked him if he was going to murder us. He said no

Stevie: comforting

They arrived at the hotel and pulled their guest through the door.

“You want anything to drink?” Stevie asked, shrugging off her jacket. She sat on the bed and pulled off her shoes.

“Beer if you have it,” Matthew answered. He sat next to Stevie, removing his shoes.

“David,” Stevie snapped, “get the man a beer. And one for me.”

“Let’s take the bossiness down a notch,” David grumbled. He opened three beers and handed them out.

Stevie raised her bottle. “To… fucking I guess.”

The men nodded and they tapped their bottles together. David took a sip, twisted his face in disgust, and drank more.

Stevie slid further onto the bed and took off her shirt. David fumbled with his shoes as Matthew pulled Stevie in for a kiss.

Stevie moved to her knees and grabbed the back of Matthew’s head. She ran her hands under his shirt and felt hard muscles and soft skin. David appeared behind Matthew and ran his hands next to Stevie’s.

They took off his shirt and David guided Matthew to lie on his back. Stevie leaned over and opened Matthew’s jeans, kissing his stomach. Stevie and David glanced at each other, and quickly shuffled off their own clothes. They each took a leg of Matthew’s jeans and pulled them down, revealing thick, tanned legs. They looked at Matthew, hands at the waistband of his briefs, and he nodded.

David pulled off Matthew’s briefs ran has hands along his legs until he met Stevie at Matthew’s dick.

“What are you doing?” David asked, nudging Stevie out of the way.

“Trying to suck dick.”

“You get to suck mine all the time, move.”

“Guys,” Matthew said, leaning forward and running his hands through their hair. “Just take turns.”

“Fine,” Stevie grumbled. She stretched out on the bed and watched as Matthew’s dick disappeared into David’s mouth. Okay, so this was kinda hot. David’s tongue peeked out of his mouth to brush the base of his Matthew’s dick. Matthew’s hand stayed in David’s hair.

David looked at Stevie and raised his eyebrows. He somehow managed to _ dramatically _ suck dick. He swept his mouth up and down the impressively girth-y Matthew. Stevie narrowed her eyes.

She glid up Matthew’s side and kissed him, charging her tongue into his mouth. She placed a hand on David’s head and started fucking Matthew’s mouth with her tongue to the rhythm of David’s movement. 

Matthew tugged Stevie’s hair, pulling her from his mouth. “Come here,” he purred, pulling her over his body.

Stevie glanced back at David, whose dark eyes met hers, and turned back to Matthew with a flick of her hair.

Matthew licked his lips and pulled Stevie to her knees. He adjusted her until she was on his face. He pressed his tongue inside her before running it around and her clit.

Stevie groaned and gripped the headboard. Loudly. Like really loudly. Mainly because Matthew was talented, but a bit for David’s benefit. Or detriment.

Matthew whined beneath her and she felt David’s hands on her shoulders. Instead of Matthew’s dick, David was now sucking on Stevie’s shoulder. He ran his hands around to play with her nipples, squeezing them hard the way he knew she liked. 

“I’m gonna come,” she breathed. Matthew’s hands held her thighs and David pressed against her. The world paused with Stevie mid-grind on Matthew’s face and David’s hands on her breasts. Time rushed back and Stevie felt it splinter in her head, her chest, her arms, her legs. Her body clenched, desperate for something to hold inside while Matthew lapped her pussy.

Stevie sunk away from Matthew’s mouth and into David. “Fuck.” She giggled. “Fuck, that was good.”

“Good for you,” David whispered in her ear. “Now out of my way please.” He shoved Stevie aside.

“Sit up,” David told Matthew.

Matthew sat and they kissed. Stevie flopped on the bed and smiled, knowing David was tasting her. Matthew sucked his way down David’s neck and, fuck, if that wasn’t fun to look at.

“Join us,” Matthew said. 

Stevie wedged her way between the men and sat in front of David. She licked Matthew’s lips, then made her way down his throat, biting a bit of flesh below his clavicle. Matthew groaned and ran his hands up and around Stevie’s sides. She felt them grasp David behind her. 

“You had your turn,” David hissed in her ear.

Stevie leaned back and licked along David’s jaw. “Be patient for once. You’ll get your dick wet.”

David snatched her waist and flung her on her back. “What the fuck?”

Matthew opened his mouth, but Stevie held up her hand. “David. What. The. Fuck.”

David swung from Matthew’s legs to Stevie’s hips. He leaned down and returned the lick along her jaw.

“Don’t tell me when I will and won’t wet my dick,” he growled. He crashed their lips together and slithered his tongue across hers.

Stevie twisted her mouth away. “What are you gonna do about it?”

David leaned back and rocked against her stomach. “I should stick it in your fucking annoying mouth.”

Stevie palmed his dick. “Why don’t you get it _ really _ wet?” She took a condom from the nightstand and flung it at David’s face.

David slid between her thighs and snatched them up, hauling her down the bed so her heels rested on David’s shoulders. He leaned forward, stretching her legs, and smirked. “Careful what you wish for.”

David put on the condom and got into position.

“Um, guys?”

“Oh, my god, what? We’re busy.” “Excuse you, we’re in the middle of something.”

Without warning, David thrust into Stevie. “Fuck,” she grunted, reaching for David’s shoulders.

“You guys are nuts,” Matthew said, getting up and grabbing his clothes.

David laughed. “‘Nuts.’”

Stevie snorted beneath him. She dug her nails into his skin and David snapped his hips. “Jesus, that’s so good,” she whined. “I hate you.”

“Okay! So I’m leaving now!” Matthew stood in front of the door and waved his hands.

David and Stevie rocked their hips together. “Great, see you later,” Stevie said, her eyes fixed on David’s.

“Yeah, have a great night, Mark,” David said, not looking up.

“Assholes…” was mumbled then the door slammed.

“What was his problem?” Stevie asked. She ran her nails down David’s back, making damn sure she was leaving marks.

“I don’t know.” David said, gripping Stevie’s hips. “Some people are really fucking rude.”

Stevie slid her legs to wrap around David. She crossed her ankles on his back and drove his hips even harder against her. She brought his head to hers. “You wet enough now?” she asked and ran her tongue along the shell of his ear.

“Fuck you,” he rasped. 

Their bodies moved in a hard, steady rhythm. Stevie held David so he was rubbing against her clit. David fisted her hair and used it like a bridle, moving her how he wanted her.

“You’re so fucking gorgeous,” he drawled. He directed her head so her neck arched toward him. He raked his teeth along her throat, then stroked it with his tongue.

She looked up at him, their faces inches apart, and bit her bottom lip. Her brow furrowed as her hips rolled to meet his. 

“Goddammit!” she finally yelled. “I love fucking you.” Their eyes locked. “I’ve never--”

David slammed his dick inside her and his body slammed her clit. Over and over.

“You asshole,” she mumbled. “Shit, I’m gonna come.”

They kept looking at each other and David gasped. “Me too.”

“We’re gonna look? Like, at each other?”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know” Stevie said, pushing her body against him as hard as possible. “So we’re doing this?”

“Yeah.” David’s breath was hot on her face. “Come with me.”

Stevie came with a yelp, her body happily clenching around his pulsing dick. “Fuck,” he rumbled as their bodies lurched together. David’s brows drew together while his eyes went wide.

He slowed down and slumped onto Stevie. He buried his face in a pillow next to her head and she brushed her fingers through his hair. Her legs fell to the bed, but she made no attempt to move David.

David eventually pulled out and rolled on his back.

“We’re really good at that,” he said between breaths.

“Yeah, Michael or whatever was doing nothing for me,” Stevie said.

“Oh, yeah, I forgot about that guy.”

Stevie turned to look at David. “Still, I feel like tonight was a success.”

“Sure, for you, you came twice,” David muttered.

Stevie looked over his shoulder at the digital clock. “Let’s time that refractory period and see what we can do about it.”

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea why I’ve now twice written about orgasmic eye contact.


End file.
